Triangle Theaters—It's at least comforting to know that after massive complaints about the black-stereotype-hip-hop-bots from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, the makers of the third Transformers film have responded by ...creating a NASCAR-bot with a mullet. Well, that's just super. Why not just create a Fundamentalist-bot who turns into a giant laser crucifix? No one goes to see these movies for the writing—that's what the 1990s CGI spin-off cartoon Beast Wars was for—but boy, that trailer with the Decepticons destroying Chicago sure looks bitchin', huh? And it's weirdly comforting to know that we're now comfortable enough as a nation to watch large office buildings being destroyed on-screen again.
Right, the plot. Um, this is embarrassing: I've read several synopses and I still have no idea what it's about. Something about alien robots being responsible for the moon landing, which is bullshit because we all know it was filmed on a soundstage in Burbank, duh. Oh, and Frances McDormand is in this for reasons likely involving a paycheck or impressing her kid, and Megan Fox called director Michael Bay "Hitler" and was replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as Shia LaBeouf's girlfriend, but it's likely no one will even notice, since Fox didn't exactly have a complicated, multihued character in the first place. Oh, and it's in 3-D, so it can assault our eyes in addition to ears and brains! But perhaps I'm being too grumpy about this tale of shape-shifting robots in disguise battling for the fate of our planet. Sure, it might look like mindless entertainment, but maybe, just maybe, there's more than meets the eye. Or not. Let me know if they bring back Unicron the planet-eating robot, because that dude was the shit, yo'. —Zack Smith