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You'd hope for plenty of sucking in a movie about vampires ... just not the figurative kind.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon is like One Tree Hill with fangs 

The Twilight Saga: New Moon opens Friday throughout the Triangle

Earlier this month, Taylor Swift starred in a Saturday Night Live spoof of Twilight entitled Firelight. Perfectly mimicking Kristen Stewart's mannerisms, Swift's Bella Swan doppelganger struggled to cope with her star-crossed love for a young Frankenstein and friendship with his rival, a teenage mummy. The sketch was meant to be farcical, but what actually made it so funny was how close it hit the mark. Vampires and werewolves; Frankensteins and mummies—what's the real difference?

In other words, with its monster motif and twice-baked teenage angst, the film adaptations of Twilight and now its highly anticipated follow-up, New Moon, have passed a point of self-parody. Think of it as One Tree Hill with fangs. Chris Weitz assumes the directorial reigns from Catherine Hardwicke, but he remains saddled with Melissa Rosenberg's insipid screenplays adapting Stephenie Meyer's book series.

Here, a three-sentence plot gets bled over two hours and 10 minutes—if Bella really wants to experience immortality, she should just watch this film because it seems like it's never going to end. The entire narrative is a series of near-misses and near-kisses, breakups and breakdowns, with a clumsily shoehorned Romeo and Juliet premise for good measure.

click to enlarge Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner - PHOTO BY KIMBERLY FRENCH/ SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT

Bella (Stewart) and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) remain madly in love until Edward suddenly skips out of Forks, Wash., to protect Bella from encroaching evildoers and his urge to accommodate her ongoing desire to join the undead. Bella's already crippling—and annoying—neuroses spiral into a tailspin until Jacob (Taylor Lautner) seizes the opportunity to strip off his shirt, flash his pecs and make his move on Bella ... until he, too, gives her the high-hat in order to (you guessed it) protect her. Bella saves Edward, Edward wants back with Bella, Jacob wants back with Bella ... on and on it goes.

At least the squeals of delight from pubescent fans might drown out dialogue that fluctuates between the monotonous—"So, you're a werewolf?" "Yeah, last time I checked."—and the risible—"I just couldn't live in a world where you don't exist." And, the sparse real acting talent involved is wasted in supporting roles. Anna Kendrick remains relegated to the nothing role of Bella's gal pal, Jessica. Dakota Fanning's ballyhooed casting turns out to be a glorified cameo. At least there's a guilty pleasure in seeing the terrific Michael Sheen, who played the Lycan leader in the Underworld films, cast as the Grand Poobah of a vampire conclave (stationed in Italy, no less).

Otherwise, New Moon is just more of the humdrum, hormonal same. You'd hope for plenty of sucking in a movie about vampires ... just not the figurative kind.

  • You'd hope for plenty of sucking in a movie about vampires ... just not the figurative kind.

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