Hear me roar | Front Porch | Indy Week
Pin It

Hear me roar 

I’ve always considered myself a pretty tough character. After all, I gave birth to two children.

Having said that, I admit I’m a wuss when it comes to the possibility of being attacked. I know there are bad guys out there. I read newspapers. I get around. And they’re all waiting for me to do something really stupid, which in my case is kinda like waiting for a dog to bark, or for taxes to go up. Just hang on a minute.

So, I went to the Chapel Hill Police Department’s recent “Self-Defense for Women” class at the Women’s Health Spa. I am now not only strong, but potentially lethal. (In fact, if I can get a hold of your thumb, you’re history, baby!)

I have to give these officers credit. They were so polite, so patient. For example, one of their tips was to keep a stick in a sliding door to stop burglars from getting in. But sometimes, these doors are installed backward, they warned. One woman asked how to tell if the door is backwards and the officer said, “Well, the door that slides should be on the inside.” The lady looked perplexed, so the officer noted that otherwise the stick would be on the outside and the bad guy could just remove it. She was still confused until a friend whispered to her and finally her face took on the same “Aha!” look that must’ve been on Einstein’s after that whole Relativity thing.

We asked lots of questions: Can I shoot a man who’s trying to break into my house? Can I shoot a man if he’s banging on the door, screaming he’s going to kill me? If I lock the car and take the remote, can I leave my keys in the ignition?

There were also unspoken questions I wish I’d asked: Can I shoot a man who’s stealing my hair dryer? Can I shoot a man who says I’m fat? (Just kidding. I know I can shoot a man who says I’m fat.)

Eventually, there were enough real questions about shooting men that the officers got a little nervous. They stressed to us that women are capable of inflicting serious injury and are punished just as harshly. Like the time they were called to a “domestic disturbance” at the home of a well-known baseball player. When he came to the door, it was obvious that his girlfriend was beating the crackerjacks out of him, and she was arrested.

The officers were solemn, but we all looked back at them with barely concealed smirks. The girlfriend had obviously heard, “Sorry, honey, I got a game” and “Cool! the World Series is on!” and “Why go out to dinner? We’ll have hot dogs at the park” just one time too many. He’s lucky she didn’t get a hold of his thumb.

Latest in Front Porch

More by Victoria A. Wentz


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

INDY Week publishes all kinds of comments, but we don't publish everything.

  • Comments that are not contributing to the conversation will be removed.
  • Comments that include ad hominem attacks will also be removed.
  • Please do not copy and paste the full text of a press release.

Permitted HTML:
  • To create paragraphs in your comment, type <p> at the start of a paragraph and </p> at the end of each paragraph.
  • To create bold text, type <b>bolded text</b> (please note the closing tag, </b>).
  • To create italicized text, type <i>italicized text</i> (please note the closing tag, </i>).
  • Proper web addresses will automatically become links.

Latest in Front Porch

  • One vote

    • Nov 12, 2014
  • Box of one

    Was I paying to be helped or to feel important, a bona fide expert on only myself?
    • Sep 24, 2014
  • The Old South (Hills)

    The Old South (Hills)

    • Sep 17, 2014
  • More »

Twitter Activity


'Anna Lee' is a truly beautiful song, Ms Dossett. And I love Levon Helm's rendition. You are blessed with a …

by Byron Miller on A song for Levon (Front Porch)

Just now seeing this....Liz and I were super close friends in the early 80s. She was so special. I had …

by RoBert 1 on In memoriam: Liz Holm, 1959–2013 (Front Porch)

Most Read

© 2016 Indy Week • 201 W. Main St., Suite 101, Durham, NC 27701 • phone 919-286-1972 • fax 919-286-4274
RSS Feeds | Powered by Foundation