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Five ladies let their fingers do the talking

Hand jobs 

Five ladies let their fingers do the talking

The concept was simple. Invite five grown women together for a day of product demonstration. Why, Avon and Tupperware and Mary Kay had been doing it for decades--using a gathering of women as an opportunity for sales. Except nothing was being sold, per se, more like folding, creasing, displaying and critiquing.

The ladies were to meet at the vintage shop The Untidy Museum on a Saturday afternoon, where a bevy of "goods" were set up and ready to be formed. The product of the day was a thin, colorful tome, complete with photos and intricate demonstrations of the output that would be created. The particular name assigned to this document: Pornogami: A Guide to the Ancient Art of Paper-Folding for Adults (Enter: Exhibit A).

After brief introductions, the guests were alerted that conversations would be recorded and photos taken. A flurry of activity ensued with select women "casing the joint" and donning deceptionary devices, including wigs, large sunglasses and the like. The rules of engagement were then made public:

1. One hour would be conferred for the creation of said pornogami.

2. Each party would take approximately five minutes to "name" their creation and tell a story about the object or objects.

3. It was briefly suggested that good relations goes well beyond the use of decorative--though biologically necessary--instruments. Thus, all participants would be judged on six categories including:

  • creativity and detail
  • skill/dexterity
  • technique
  • storytelling ability
  • positional difficulty
  • originality

    The grand prize was then disclosed: A basket full of more than $150 worth of useful--well, erotic--"toys" (Enter: Exhibit B) donated by Chapel Hill vendor Expressions, whose tagline "Romancing your Addictions" was a fitting theme.

    Mass excitement ensued.

    Here follows an X-rated (adults, please exercise caution) blow-by-blow, though random, illustrated transcript of the day's events. To further protect the identity of our participants (and the author), who, it must be said, are upstanding citizens in our communities, some names have been changed and (where eligible) "*" has replaced last names.

    In the beginning
    Many false starts and downright fumbles as the women settled on tissue colors and types (paper) and ease of conception (degree of difficulty). Some of the ladies partnered themselves to provide increased stimulation and support. Various exclamations were heard, such as:

    "I want to make the vagina."

    "I'm going to make the dollar penis!"

    "Creases are very important if you want it to cum (spelling?) out right."

    "A ha!"

    "Open it up now; okay, fold it."

    "Do you do it on the right side?"

    "Yeah, you do it on all four corners."

    "Oh! now I feel really stupid: Pull it out."

    "A ha!"

    "She'll just have a funny-shaped vagina ..."

    "AAAAAhhh!"

    "That's it--open the pocket."

    "We're in it."

    "This one's gotta come out."

    "Okay, work it!"

    "OOOooooOOOhhh!"

    "That would be a good bar trick!"

    The author took this time to interview each contestant about her particular process and strategy for winning.

    Joy, talk to me about your process here.

    Joy*: I'm making the condom. Right now we're stuck on step 13 because it's a little unclear in the book. So we're experimenting to try to figure it out. Experimentation is very important in oragami--and pornogami.

    BoomBoom, do you have anything to add?

    BoomBoom: Condoms are usually not this difficult! But, we're at a crossroads.

    Fifi, talk to me about your process.

    Fifi: I was trying to do the dollar one [penis] but I'm in disguise right now, so it's pretty hard for me to read the directions. I'm not getting anywhere! So I would suggest that if you're trying to do pornogami, that you not be wearing dark glasses. That's all I have to say about that. (laughter)

    Seductress and Sarah, talk to me about what you're doing here.

    Sarah*: We gave up on the money vagina because it was too difficult

    Seductress: Waaay too difficult.

    Sarah: So now we're trying the normal vagina.

    Seductress: And our color choice is red.

    Sarah: Hopefully this'll come out better.

    Do you feel confident that you'll win this race?

    Sarah: Definitely.

    Seductress: I think so. We're very good with our hands ...

    Be fruitful and multiply
    Sarah, intimately frustrated with her lack of pornogamic knowledge, finally gives up and leaves the group. Seductress invents her own roll-and-glue system of pornogami. Snatches of conversation include theories on uncircumcised penises, largess, sex jokes and further exclamations of frustration and reward.

    I quiz the ladies on their prior pornogamic experience.

    Has anyone here had prior experience with origami?

    Joy: I haven't made a lot of different things, but I've made a lot of the things I've made. I made 2,500 paper cranes ...

    Fifi: Yeah, if you make a thousand cranes, you're supposed to like, kill somebody or like, stop world war or something.

    (laughter, basically from here on out)

    Joy: We're a little unclear on the details.

    What happens if you make a thousand penises?

    Fifi: Oh lord! I think we'd all just ... BLOW UP!

    Folding and unfolding continues. Probable winners begin to clearly distance themselves from mere novices.

    "Please get a picture of her blowing that sperm."

    "It's, the ancient art of frustration."

    "Did it blow?"

    "Yeah, it blew--I blew it."

    "It came!"

    "Did you spit?"

    "No, I'm a real woman."

    "Oh right, 'it will open like a flower' my ass!" (screaming laughter)

    "Can we put my sperm in your condom?"

    "Children, y'all don't need to be over here."

    "I don't do pornogami, I knit!"

    "Art deco vagina."

    "It's more like a tepee--but that's a name for a condom."

    "I thought 'tepee' was the name for an erection under a sheet?"

    "It's the shelter for the penis so, tepee."

    "Y'all could've done a textured condom--you know, for extra sensation."

    "'Fold back side down the same way, but away along the spine fold'--there are too many modifiers in this sentence. It sounds like how my people talk: 'You better get on up out from back down there'." (laughter)

    "Uh-oh, I'm getting the titty!"

    "That there is a boring vagina."

    "It veers to the right a little bit."

    "That's the same thing that made me quit doing the other penis."

    It was very good
    The author has recently been questioned as to the possibility of awarding a fourth place prize. The remaining ladies have tested their endurance and stamina, and creativity reigns. Some participants have resorted to infidelity--i.e. doing their own thing--as a means of completing their assignment, but no relationships were harmed thereof. Contestant Seductress is asked what she has learned and responds: "I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am not a pornogami person. I'm a 'porn', but not a 'gami.'"

    And lastly, the story of creation
    The naming and storytelling time begins, replete with scrunched up faces, trepidation, exclamations of excitement and confidence. Seductress begins by naming her characters "Magnolia" and "Big Red," but asks for a recess period to come up with the story of their creation. (This story never materializes.)

    Fifi (with Vanna White-like flourish): Okay, this is called: such a pretty mess on my chest. This is inspired by a Vanity 6 song, or Apollonia 6 song or one of those Prince girl-groups. This is the only place that sperm can have anything to do with my body at this particular time, because I am not trying to have no more children! So, this is all about embracing sexuality without procreation. Such a pretty mess on my breast--thank you very much! My name is Fifi Cajones!

    Hysterical laughter generates a comedy break. Joy steps in to continue the plot.

    Joy: [My name is] Freaky Mami Love Machine, doing the freaky mami, doing the pornogami. And my story is about this young gentleman right here (penis in shorts). He was very sad and he was very loooonely, and all he wanted was some love. But he didn't really know how to go about getting love, he was a little too eager. You might say he wore his heart on his sleeve. And he would try to go up to people (mimes shorts walking up to people) and he wouldn't get a good reaction. So he asked a wise woman what to do and she gave him some advice. She said, "You're coming on too strong, you need to just back up a little bit."

    So he went out and he got himself a special, bright yellow, rainslicker condom, and he put a little hat on his little head so he wasn't quite so obvious. Then he tried going up to somebody to see if he could be their friend.

    Fifi: Just say yes to safe sex.

    Joy: And that's the story of Lonely John: Lonely John with his Condom on.

    Fifi: Just say yes, to safe sex! Can I get an amen?

    Group: Amen!

    BoomBoom, not one to be outdone, asserts herself with a herculean name.

    BoomBoom: Well, my name is BoomBoomDaDa. (The author is unsure as to whether the proper number of vowels were used in the spelling of this title.)

    Group: BoomBoomDaDa!

    BoomBoom: As BoomBoomDaDa, I have four pieces here: one is a whip, and I'm having Mr. Lefty here--because when he stands it bends to the left ...

    Group: Aaaahhh! Ooooooh!

    BoomBoom: And I'm like whipping him because he told me that he likes to be whipped--that this excited him. So I was whipping him, "Come, come, come!" you know, and he was not coming at first, and had on his little tepee condom, to protect himself from the mess. And all of a sudden, it burst out--the condom and all--and here come the sperm flying and [he] hits the wall.

    Fifi: Such drama! She done whipped him up and he's hitting the wall--you know it's a party!

    After additional mirth and happiness, the tallying of the scores commences. A tie is announced: Fifi has scored high for her storytelling ability and originality, while Joy has shone with her dexterous skill and technique. A tie-breaker is decided upon: If Joy can complete the vagina, which every other child-bearing woman present has failed to do, she is the official finger-folding champ.

    Joy takes the challenge, and in a matter of ecstatic minutes, a comely vagina is produced. She is awarded with the well-endowed basket and the runners up (including fourth place finisher) are given parting (literally) gifts.

    All are satisfied; refreshments are had; life returns to normal.

    Pornogami: A Guide to the Ancient Art of Paper-Folding for Adults
    By Master Sugoi
    (Green Candy Press, 128 pp., $14.95)

    The rating system:

    *****You ... rock ... my ... world!
    ****Ummm, that's a lovely way to be woken up!
    ***That's never happened before; can we try again?
    **Are you finished yet?
    *I've decided to see other people ...

    ****Content & Illustrations
    The afternoon began with the women flipping through the book (pre-coitus) and excitedly shouting out (bragging about) the many things they were going to make. Reality soon hit and laughable hysteria replaced excitement when--some 40 steps later--it was found that "Fold back side down the same way, but away along the spine fold..." does not a penis make.

    ***Degree of Difficulty
    The women concur that this book is definitely not for those unskilled in the basic art and technique of paper-folding. Directions were very confusing at times and some objects seemed downright unfoldable.

    *****Overall Concept
    True, certain college-educated, gainfully-employed women resorted to using glue and tape to mimic the concepts in the book. But ultimately, the fun and laughs had by all were well worth the whole sordid affair.

    Purchase your own copy of Pornogami at the following retailers:

    Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and select local merchants

    Visit Expressions at 137 E. Franklin St., Ste. 106, Chapel Hill. 967-3666 or www.smiledamnit.com.

    • Five ladies let their fingers do the talking

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