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Airport insecurity 

OK, I'll admit it: The latest "improvements" in airport security haven't exactly inspired confidence in this infrequent flier. Private-part patdowns for concealed cutting tools? Babies frisked as their parents pass right through? Security devices unplugged and undiscovered as such? Methinks more radical ideas are required to make American air travel as secure as we think it should be. How about these alternate solutions?

Install electromagnets in each seat and issue steel thongs to all passengers. Then refuse entry to anyone who doesn't set off the metal detector.

House bomb-sniffing dogs in the cargo hold. Would also boost burgeoning luggage cleaning industry.

Add ejector seats to cockpit. Remote controlled, of course.

Computerized passenger-matching places obese person, crying baby, or chatty traveler in every other seat, thus disrupting concentration of would-be hijackers.

Install cabin-length carpet and feed end under special slot in cockpit door. Yank in case of hijacking.

Replace barf bags with slingshots. Serve walnuts.

Replace warning chime with remote-triggered tape of Britney Spears singing with William Shatner. Set volume at "11."

Install trap door outside cockpit door. Accompanying ACME anvil optional.

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